Birthday Wish

32.

That’s how old I turned on Saturday. I felt an urge to revamp my website—make it squeaky clean to represent the new 32 year old me!

But honestly, internally, there was a storm.

It was the night of my birthday. Forcing myself to face my journal, to write down a few words of “my intention” for the coming year.

It’s my personal ritual I do every year, but this time around, I got nothing.

What did I achieve this past year? What newness am I anticipating? What direction do I see myself going in this year?

Nothing. The only emotion I feel is avoidant.

Just the night before, I found myself by myself. Well, it wasn’t an accident, I took a day off from attending practice.

Apparently, I needed to cry my eyes out.

I felt lonely. I felt uncertain. I felt unclear. I felt tired.

Usually during these birthday journaling sessions, I eventually find a way to sculpt some meaning out of my struggles. Shift it into some kind of positive motivation to start off the birthday year.

But this year was not so.

In my journal are only words that haphazardly create the shape of positivity, just going through the motions to try to keep the wheels turning. Even I had to call BS on myself.

So here’s the real deal.

Despite my clean new website, this is who I am today.

I’m 32.

I’m far removed from all my friends and family, all the people who are the support of my heart.

I have not seen ANY personal friends in 2 and a half years.

I can’t go dancing. It’s been over a year.

I feel insufficient in my Japanese communication skills, and it feels stifling. Every single day.

I’m constantly disappointed in myself.

I wish I felt more motivated.

I wish I felt more confident.

I wish I had more time management skills.

I wish I could talk with my friends like regular people, during regular hours. Not midnight. Not 4 am.

I wish I had more of a clear vision of my future.

I wish I wasn’t so worried.

I wish I had a source of income.

I wish I didn’t have to get out of bed tomorrow.

I wish I could be with my family.

I wish I had the words to apologize to the people I hurt by leaving.

I wish I could be sitting in the car with my aunt, waiting for my uncle to get out of his procedure.

I wish I could be sitting with my best friend and her son.

I wish I could just talk shit with someone without feeling conscious about how the words come out.

I wish my wishlist was more positive on my birthday.

On a wall in my room, there’s a piece of paper with a quote I wrote down during the first few months that I came to Japan:

“I’m currently creating the woman I want to be.

The woman I’m becoming will cost me people, relationships, spaces, and material things.

Choose her over everything.”

Some days, this choice feels incredibly liberating. On other days, the impact can feel isolating, even unnerving.

Following who you can become, and who you want to become, sometimes requires you to give up the world you used to have. Following your heart, your calling, your passion, your instincts, however you call it, can sound so positive and inspiring. But the truth is, there are rough days in there too. Just because you went for it, doesn’t guarantee happy birthdays.

I wish I had a nice way to wrap up this post, A conclusion with a take-away to leave you with.

But I don’t. Some days are just hard.

Right now I’m just learning to be ok with the unsatisfactory place I’m at in the journey.

One last wish — I wish you all good company and caring relationships to help you get through your rough days. I know that’s what’s keeping me afloat.